Few of my closer friends has mentioned that I've always fallen for the wrong guys.
Actually, they feel strongly that its the age of my exes that caused the conflicts.
I, however have always felt that maturity is unreliable. Maturity lacks flexibility and I have always been bent. Someday my back will break. I hum the Toys R' Us tune often, because it starts with "I don't wanna grow up." I have always loved Peter Pan. Innocence is such an asset. I love children. Their simplicity attracts me into another dimension.I don't have a type, really I don't. I don't have a type that I go for. But I do have a type I won't.
Example, if he asks "So are you the type of girl who likes guys with fast cars?"Out."Maybe you're too intense for this world."Maybe. It would have been a yes except it sounded as if he is suggesting that I kill myself.
They were adding up, these "friends" of mine. The one who helps me forget that I've been waiting. The other which helps me stay artificially sublime for days. Another who teaches me not to care about anything at all. Maybe one more who helps loosen the heartstrings. Whatever it is, they help me pass the time and avert a greater danger. I used to wake up afraid that I'm gonna live.
Last night I stayed awake afraid that I might feel that way again. Which means, that I probably don't anymore. But everyone has left and gone on without me. And with their absence the platitudes are bearable somehow, I've either gotten accustomed to them, or I've developed a tolerance for petty bullshit.
Damn it, I need to be Svengali enough to control my emotions. I can't constantly anticipate the plummet, be stripped bare and be less than I had before. I need to be less of a calculative cow. In one of my previous entries, a long time ago in another blog life, I wrote of the eternal dance inspired by C.S Lewis.
Rachel said to me once "When you're spinning in circles, it doesn't stop. Call me." The only way to stop spinning is to fall short and bruise some body part. It's impossible to leave unscathed. How do they do it..
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Friday, November 4, 2005
Membrane
I used to think I'm crazy, extremely crazy. I thought that if I even looked away for a few minutes, he would be gone. But I was right, he's gone. But he left even while I was peering over the treetops. I hovered somewhere on a spectrum between a painful state of anxiety and an even more painful state of despair.
Promises, people make them all the time. And then they break them, just as many times as they've made them. When you say to someone "I love you" you absolutely mean it at the time but things change. But the assumption is that they lied, but they didn't, they meant it at the time they just didn't know to what degree. Logically, I understood this and took it to heart.
But I can't accept this idea wholeheartedly, because it is simply spurious. When I was dealing with my unhappiness, I always had a bipartite understanding of what was happening to me. I felt that for me, personally, I was in Hell; my pain as acute as third degree cancer cells on a dying body. But I see, not look. I've read and revised books on the Holocaust, the children who suffered under the dictatorship of Pol Pot, people starving in Sudan- but there is no comparison to be made because you can only live your own experience and for me, my life was in pretty bad shape. I used to think I had perspective, that I could be onto anyone and not be a fool. But what if I still am living in my own bubble where I only live my own experience? I will never escape.
So I find I could never again completely succumb to anything remotely sturdy because the assurance itself would drive me crazy; I kept my eye on every next thing which could hurt, right down to a Ribena bottled drink. The potential a choice of beverage had to hurt, summarizes my whole problem; its pandemic. SoI let it all go, of all I've collected because I fell for someone whom I knew I could not read and that mystery kept me going, I was convinced it was a fairy-tale. Till I fell hard on my ass, with my heart on the ashphalt that I realized he was human too.
Pain is an intrinsic part of our existence, we cause pain and experience pain from the moment of our birth and here and there, left or right, many of us die in pain.Dr. Armand M. Nicholi Jr and I see eye to eye on this: that the awareness of our mortality causes pain because what we us humans need most is permanence and our most pervasive fear is separation from the ones we love. Which at the end of the day, is irony and contradiction tossed like a salad, callously and carelessly. So why analyse? Why weigh options? Why ask IF?
Promises, people make them all the time. And then they break them, just as many times as they've made them. When you say to someone "I love you" you absolutely mean it at the time but things change. But the assumption is that they lied, but they didn't, they meant it at the time they just didn't know to what degree. Logically, I understood this and took it to heart.
But I can't accept this idea wholeheartedly, because it is simply spurious. When I was dealing with my unhappiness, I always had a bipartite understanding of what was happening to me. I felt that for me, personally, I was in Hell; my pain as acute as third degree cancer cells on a dying body. But I see, not look. I've read and revised books on the Holocaust, the children who suffered under the dictatorship of Pol Pot, people starving in Sudan- but there is no comparison to be made because you can only live your own experience and for me, my life was in pretty bad shape. I used to think I had perspective, that I could be onto anyone and not be a fool. But what if I still am living in my own bubble where I only live my own experience? I will never escape.
So I find I could never again completely succumb to anything remotely sturdy because the assurance itself would drive me crazy; I kept my eye on every next thing which could hurt, right down to a Ribena bottled drink. The potential a choice of beverage had to hurt, summarizes my whole problem; its pandemic. SoI let it all go, of all I've collected because I fell for someone whom I knew I could not read and that mystery kept me going, I was convinced it was a fairy-tale. Till I fell hard on my ass, with my heart on the ashphalt that I realized he was human too.
Pain is an intrinsic part of our existence, we cause pain and experience pain from the moment of our birth and here and there, left or right, many of us die in pain.Dr. Armand M. Nicholi Jr and I see eye to eye on this: that the awareness of our mortality causes pain because what we us humans need most is permanence and our most pervasive fear is separation from the ones we love. Which at the end of the day, is irony and contradiction tossed like a salad, callously and carelessly. So why analyse? Why weigh options? Why ask IF?
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