Few of my closer friends has mentioned that I've always fallen for the wrong guys.
Actually, they feel strongly that its the age of my exes that caused the conflicts.
I, however have always felt that maturity is unreliable. Maturity lacks flexibility and I have always been bent. Someday my back will break. I hum the Toys R' Us tune often, because it starts with "I don't wanna grow up." I have always loved Peter Pan. Innocence is such an asset. I love children. Their simplicity attracts me into another dimension.I don't have a type, really I don't. I don't have a type that I go for. But I do have a type I won't.
Example, if he asks "So are you the type of girl who likes guys with fast cars?"Out."Maybe you're too intense for this world."Maybe. It would have been a yes except it sounded as if he is suggesting that I kill myself.
They were adding up, these "friends" of mine. The one who helps me forget that I've been waiting. The other which helps me stay artificially sublime for days. Another who teaches me not to care about anything at all. Maybe one more who helps loosen the heartstrings. Whatever it is, they help me pass the time and avert a greater danger. I used to wake up afraid that I'm gonna live.
Last night I stayed awake afraid that I might feel that way again. Which means, that I probably don't anymore. But everyone has left and gone on without me. And with their absence the platitudes are bearable somehow, I've either gotten accustomed to them, or I've developed a tolerance for petty bullshit.
Damn it, I need to be Svengali enough to control my emotions. I can't constantly anticipate the plummet, be stripped bare and be less than I had before. I need to be less of a calculative cow. In one of my previous entries, a long time ago in another blog life, I wrote of the eternal dance inspired by C.S Lewis.
Rachel said to me once "When you're spinning in circles, it doesn't stop. Call me." The only way to stop spinning is to fall short and bruise some body part. It's impossible to leave unscathed. How do they do it..
