enshrining

my existence has been clamorous of late, manic. in the worst and then on to the best possible way. the unconditional love that brings new will, new purpose, new resolve. i am bewildered that i have travelled there and back - astonished at my declension and thankful for my good fortune – my family, my love and friends. 

plummeting

the sound of "november rain" sets in the ceiling. of teardrops plummeting. there is something to feel even when you are not feeling anything; the perturbation that drift the fluids in the eyes, turning red...swollen. i can taste the accumulation of cells that resembles broken glass, stamped upon my core. the glass forms gloomy biological components with distinct arrangement. ruptures are left where i have cracked my ribs, ripped my heart out, and fractured my soul. would time render the shards of grief less painful?

fractionation magnifies, increasing the intensity of each shard.

between bleak

on that grim day where ten in the morning feels no different from ten in the night and nothing has happened and nothing but grief welcomes the dawn.

i am slicing an apple and the knife shifts, penetrates my flesh; and then there is this startling red, the brightest vision in days - so vibrant it blinds. it felt okay, because at least i know i am alive.

delirious

so i could say i fell for the familiarity of desolation, it makes me forget i am waiting to endure the devastation of loss. i could claim that manic stupor was obligatory, because in that blanket of daze - i lost the will to care about anything at all. and at that juncture, an oxymoron permeates. my loneliness metamorphosed into a delirious notion – the world has gone on without me.

organism

recounting the sordid details of loneliness with remarkable extravagance, as though to labour over the details of each ache would be to give them emotional currency. this particularly lonely night, i felt dazed - glued to the bed waiting for the feeling to pass. it would be good to not live reduced to anguish.. spent. it made me dislike myself, and i no longer considered myself human.